A pair of shoes

Picture this, a little girl tugging on her on her mothers shirt because she didn't want to be late for her first day of dance class. The eager, excited, nervous little one was ready to dance. She was ready to become a star! She pretty much considered herself to already be a great dancer. After all, she had danced around in front of her bedroom mirror many times before. And put on dance productions for her very own mother as she tried to hold back her laughter while she watched her daughter jump and stumble around the living room. If you haven't guessed yes this little clumsy, lanky long haired little girl who usually had her recital costumes covered in either make up or food crumbs is in fact me!

Dance has always been a love of mine. Ever since I was a little girl I loved movement. I loved the way that you could make your body twist and turn and it didn't matter how many turns or how high you jumped all you were doing was expressing yourself. As I got into high school I became more serious about dance, I took more classes and spent more time in the studio. It was a tiny group of girls that I danced with but no matter how hard or how annoyed we got with each other we were a family. I loved going into the studio, I couldn't wait to perform and get on the stage, I couldn't wait to learn. But then it all changed.

It wasn't anything said or anyone did, I mean I was being challenged to be a better dance and I was advancing into higher classes as my pace not the pace of others around me. What happened is I started letting the enemy attack me with lies. I started to think that I was not good enough, I was not a beautiful dancer like all the others around me. I had friends that supported me and encouraged me, but any dancer out there knows that you strive to be your best. Some might have a little bit more of a competition then others but you want to be at your highest point as a dancer. Deep down inside you wan tot be the one who knows the whole combination, the one with the highest kicks and the most turns. Some dancers show it more then others but everyone wants to be their best.

There is also another thing that some dancers talk about its called COMPARISON!!! the dread full lie that makes you feel like you are not good enough and, you are worse than all the other dancers around you. Your jumps are low your turns are sloppy and you always stand in the back while learning a combination. This was me, I let the lies flood into my mind. I hated being put into the front for combinations, I absolutely hatted when we did leaps across the floor and every time one of my teachers gave me feedback or fixed what I was doing, I felt like the worst one in the room.The worst part about this whole thing was dance was becoming less of something that I loved to do and more of something that I had to do. I had to practice my turns and leaps before I could learn the dance I had to do countless stretches and warm ups before I could perform on stage. I started to question if dance was something that I really wanted to do with my life. I started just going for my friends and skipping when I didn't feel like going, It was my life, I didn't need dance anymore.

When I was at my first YWAM school, The summer programs in Montana, I remember we were sitting in the classroom talking about dance in worship and how its a powerful thing, I had done it a few times growing up in church but I honestly thought it was pretty silly. Not dancing to choreographed dances and just coming up with movement and using it as an act of worship? at the end of class the teacher put music on and said "ok your  turn, worship God through your dancing" I was terrified. I was not going to come up with random moment, i'm not even a choreographer what am I going to do? look at all the other girls, their so much better then I am at dancing. No, no thank you, I will just sit in the back and worship like normal.

God spoke to me that day, he asked me "Monica why do you dance?' well because I enjoy it "Monica how does it make you feel when you dance?" well it makes me feel good, like I am in control of what I am doing "Monica I have given you a voice, not one that comes from your lungs but through your moment, I want you to speak through your dance. Monica dance is an expression of who you are, and what you feel not, in imitation of the teachers moment. Monica when you dance your telling a story. I have made you to dance the way you dance not like anyone else" Dance is this story we get to tell through our body. We can express what we are feeling when we have no words to speak,we as dancers get the privilege to capture people and bring them into this world of the arts. We bring together two worlds, art and worship. It doesn't matter if your the best of the best or have the longest lines or the best turns. How you feel when your out there performing and telling a story is the same exact way you should feel when your in front of that mirror in the studio or wherever you are. Now don't get me wrong I have loved dancing and in high school I would of been lost without it and it helped me to express myself through some dark times, and I even need to keep working on my weakness of comparison but I know that God has called me to this. To share with people that worshiping God and using your gifts can look different than the normal.

Why am I going on and on about dance? I am glad you asked! I have the amazing opportunity to do the School of dance with YWAM in Minneapolis Minnesota. We will be living in the city being in community and learning all about dance and training in it. Its a nine month school and I will be working very hard. the reason I am doing this is not to become the best dancer or to learn how to choreograph the best dances. Honestly I am going, to show myself that I can do this, that I am good enough to train with other amazing dancers and that God has placed a passion in my heart for dance. My prayer for these next months is that I fall in love with dance all over again, that I become that little girl eager to get to class that I will find the movement to be able to tell my story and that I will have the strength to do this.

Also I want to say that even if your not a dancer you can still relate, If its in your ministry or your hobbies, or what you feel like your called to do. Why did you do it in the first place? you don't have to be the best of the best just be willing to be used and ready for God to take you on a crazy adventure! :)

2 months, 11 girls, 1 Big lesson.

I never thought a group of 8 girls could capture my heart in just 2 months.

But then again I never thought that I would be able to be a leader and to be able to lead out of brokenness, Let me explain. Two months before summer, the opportunity to staff the YWAM Montana summer of dance came up, a two month program for students 16 and up. Its a program that doesn't require a Discipleship Training School  but just coming with an open heart and a passion for missions. When I decided to commit for the summer programs I did not know what I was getting myself into! I came into the school with a lot of nerves and fears about staffing. But I didn't know that through this whole experience of staffing I was going to learn so much. 

I believed the lie that says    "you have to be free of your past before you can lead others" I thought that I had to have won all my battles of the past so I could help others through theirs. The thing is, that God loves to use us no matter where we are in our life. Yes, in order to lead others you would have to of walked through things with him but you don't have to have all the answers. You you can still be walking through a journey. I carried all this pressure on myself to try to be the best leader I could be. To be prepared to answer all the questions that anyone would have. But the thing is, its not me who is leading its God. It's not me who has to come up with the right answer or what to say, but just being willing to be used by Him and to trust Him. 

Our school theme for this summer was "With Everything" based off of the scripture:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding 
      in all your ways acknowledge him 
          and he will make your path straight. 

 The idea came from a challenge that God was giving all of us this summer, staff and students combined. it was a challenge to trust God with everything. To jump off the cliff without knowing what was down below. To trust God that He would catch you and let him do what he wants, in your heart, and in your life. I will tell you one thing, I saw every student and staff live that out this summer, I saw everyone jump regardless of fear, regardless of there past, they jumped with open arms willing to be changed and transformed by God.

The first month we spent training and learning on base, we would all gather in the mornings and engage in worship together followed by lecture. We would learn different topics such as Father heart of God, Hearing the voice of God and others. The afternoons were for training in your program the dancers would have technique class and rehearsals. It was in this month were I was stretched and found the love I have for discipleship. I was given the opportunity to choreograph a dance to bring on outreach, I was very nervous and felt completely unequipped. However God knew that through this opportunity I would learn how to rely on him and to open up and healing would come. I allowed myself to go deep with God and get creative. My choreography was based on a lot of the pain of my past that I had gone through, feeling so broken but yet God makes us into something beautiful. I set the piece on 4 beautiful dancers, not knowing much about them in the beginning I just picked them out of random, little did I know that this dance was not only powerful for my heart but they brought there own story into it, there own pain and there own freedom into the dance and I saw the chains break off of them as they danced.

God loves to stretch us and teach us things even if we have already learned them, He just wants to take us deeper in that. My fear of staffing came form insecurities that I had, fears of not knowing how to lead. That I would be at a loss of words or not have answers to questions burning inside there hearts. I had the privilege of being two beautiful girls one on one. We would meet once a week or whenever they needed to talk and we would walk through things or ask questions or just pray. My two one on ones names were Shelley and Bethany. When I first met with them I have to admit I was stricken with fear and doubt, I didn't know what I would say to them. I  didn't even think they really wanted to talk to me. I was struggling with coming up with words to say and questions to ask! then one day God spoke:

 "Monica my daughter why are you so afraid don't you know that you are not alone when you speak to them. Trust me that I have the words to say, just listen" 

You know its funny how things change when you just listen and trust in God. It wasn't me speaking. It was a privilege to walk with them through this summer experience. My heart was filled with joy as I saw them begin to understand who they really are in Christ. When they would come to me and weep because of some revelation that God had shown them. All I could do was fall on my knees and thank God that he used me, this stubborn broken girl to mentor and disciple two unbelievably smart beautiful Daughters of Christ.

As much as I learned and grew during the lecture phase I think I grew a lot during outreach. We were in Cambodia for a month and we were all split up during outreach. The dancers were sent out 2 hours outside of Phnom Penh in a little village called Kampot. We stayed in a youth development center and taught English for most of our time. Now when I say we taught English for most of our time I mean we traded in our dancing shoes for white board markers and English books. We barley danced, it was only for an hour a day, we taught English and none of us had experience in that, many of the students didn't speak English, it was hot and there were many bugs. But yet it was such a good experience. And I saw God move every day. I saw God int the coconut workers when all four of them gave there lives to Christ, I saw God in the elderly lady at church who was healed of back pain and leg problems, I saw God in the little children in the preschool who didn't get love at home and we got to show them true love, I saw God in the Cambodian students praying to God for the first time. And  I saw it in the young boy who took our dance classes even though they were only an hour a day changed the way he viewed God, and came to realize that He could worship God and was not afraid to go home and share his faith with his family. But most of all I saw Christ in the team that I led, I saw a group of 8 girls go into a village not knowing what they were getting themselves into, not expecting a lot of the challenges they were going to face. Every day I would see these girls lay down there rights and do what needed to be done. They put themselves aside and loved on the people of Cambodia, I saw them encourage the leaders of Cambodia. I was so blessed to be able to laugh, cry and serve along side these 8 beautiful dancers. But I could not of done it without my 2 other co leaders, they challenged me, encouraged me and kept me going even when I felt I wanted to give up. I got to witness, a group of 8 dancers and 3 leaders begin to change the atmosphere of Cambodia .

So I guess through all my rambling, my point is that even in our fears, even in our worry and doubt, God can still use us, even in our brokenness. When we don't have the words to say He speaks, when we feel alone He listens. He loves to stretch us and take us deeper. And really the only thing we have to do is trust, and know that when we jump, He will catch you!