A pair of shoes

Picture this, a little girl tugging on her on her mothers shirt because she didn't want to be late for her first day of dance class. The eager, excited, nervous little one was ready to dance. She was ready to become a star! She pretty much considered herself to already be a great dancer. After all, she had danced around in front of her bedroom mirror many times before. And put on dance productions for her very own mother as she tried to hold back her laughter while she watched her daughter jump and stumble around the living room. If you haven't guessed yes this little clumsy, lanky long haired little girl who usually had her recital costumes covered in either make up or food crumbs is in fact me!

Dance has always been a love of mine. Ever since I was a little girl I loved movement. I loved the way that you could make your body twist and turn and it didn't matter how many turns or how high you jumped all you were doing was expressing yourself. As I got into high school I became more serious about dance, I took more classes and spent more time in the studio. It was a tiny group of girls that I danced with but no matter how hard or how annoyed we got with each other we were a family. I loved going into the studio, I couldn't wait to perform and get on the stage, I couldn't wait to learn. But then it all changed.

It wasn't anything said or anyone did, I mean I was being challenged to be a better dance and I was advancing into higher classes as my pace not the pace of others around me. What happened is I started letting the enemy attack me with lies. I started to think that I was not good enough, I was not a beautiful dancer like all the others around me. I had friends that supported me and encouraged me, but any dancer out there knows that you strive to be your best. Some might have a little bit more of a competition then others but you want to be at your highest point as a dancer. Deep down inside you wan tot be the one who knows the whole combination, the one with the highest kicks and the most turns. Some dancers show it more then others but everyone wants to be their best.

There is also another thing that some dancers talk about its called COMPARISON!!! the dread full lie that makes you feel like you are not good enough and, you are worse than all the other dancers around you. Your jumps are low your turns are sloppy and you always stand in the back while learning a combination. This was me, I let the lies flood into my mind. I hated being put into the front for combinations, I absolutely hatted when we did leaps across the floor and every time one of my teachers gave me feedback or fixed what I was doing, I felt like the worst one in the room.The worst part about this whole thing was dance was becoming less of something that I loved to do and more of something that I had to do. I had to practice my turns and leaps before I could learn the dance I had to do countless stretches and warm ups before I could perform on stage. I started to question if dance was something that I really wanted to do with my life. I started just going for my friends and skipping when I didn't feel like going, It was my life, I didn't need dance anymore.

When I was at my first YWAM school, The summer programs in Montana, I remember we were sitting in the classroom talking about dance in worship and how its a powerful thing, I had done it a few times growing up in church but I honestly thought it was pretty silly. Not dancing to choreographed dances and just coming up with movement and using it as an act of worship? at the end of class the teacher put music on and said "ok your  turn, worship God through your dancing" I was terrified. I was not going to come up with random moment, i'm not even a choreographer what am I going to do? look at all the other girls, their so much better then I am at dancing. No, no thank you, I will just sit in the back and worship like normal.

God spoke to me that day, he asked me "Monica why do you dance?' well because I enjoy it "Monica how does it make you feel when you dance?" well it makes me feel good, like I am in control of what I am doing "Monica I have given you a voice, not one that comes from your lungs but through your moment, I want you to speak through your dance. Monica dance is an expression of who you are, and what you feel not, in imitation of the teachers moment. Monica when you dance your telling a story. I have made you to dance the way you dance not like anyone else" Dance is this story we get to tell through our body. We can express what we are feeling when we have no words to speak,we as dancers get the privilege to capture people and bring them into this world of the arts. We bring together two worlds, art and worship. It doesn't matter if your the best of the best or have the longest lines or the best turns. How you feel when your out there performing and telling a story is the same exact way you should feel when your in front of that mirror in the studio or wherever you are. Now don't get me wrong I have loved dancing and in high school I would of been lost without it and it helped me to express myself through some dark times, and I even need to keep working on my weakness of comparison but I know that God has called me to this. To share with people that worshiping God and using your gifts can look different than the normal.

Why am I going on and on about dance? I am glad you asked! I have the amazing opportunity to do the School of dance with YWAM in Minneapolis Minnesota. We will be living in the city being in community and learning all about dance and training in it. Its a nine month school and I will be working very hard. the reason I am doing this is not to become the best dancer or to learn how to choreograph the best dances. Honestly I am going, to show myself that I can do this, that I am good enough to train with other amazing dancers and that God has placed a passion in my heart for dance. My prayer for these next months is that I fall in love with dance all over again, that I become that little girl eager to get to class that I will find the movement to be able to tell my story and that I will have the strength to do this.

Also I want to say that even if your not a dancer you can still relate, If its in your ministry or your hobbies, or what you feel like your called to do. Why did you do it in the first place? you don't have to be the best of the best just be willing to be used and ready for God to take you on a crazy adventure! :)

2 months, 11 girls, 1 Big lesson.

I never thought a group of 8 girls could capture my heart in just 2 months.

But then again I never thought that I would be able to be a leader and to be able to lead out of brokenness, Let me explain. Two months before summer, the opportunity to staff the YWAM Montana summer of dance came up, a two month program for students 16 and up. Its a program that doesn't require a Discipleship Training School  but just coming with an open heart and a passion for missions. When I decided to commit for the summer programs I did not know what I was getting myself into! I came into the school with a lot of nerves and fears about staffing. But I didn't know that through this whole experience of staffing I was going to learn so much. 

I believed the lie that says    "you have to be free of your past before you can lead others" I thought that I had to have won all my battles of the past so I could help others through theirs. The thing is, that God loves to use us no matter where we are in our life. Yes, in order to lead others you would have to of walked through things with him but you don't have to have all the answers. You you can still be walking through a journey. I carried all this pressure on myself to try to be the best leader I could be. To be prepared to answer all the questions that anyone would have. But the thing is, its not me who is leading its God. It's not me who has to come up with the right answer or what to say, but just being willing to be used by Him and to trust Him. 

Our school theme for this summer was "With Everything" based off of the scripture:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding 
      in all your ways acknowledge him 
          and he will make your path straight. 

 The idea came from a challenge that God was giving all of us this summer, staff and students combined. it was a challenge to trust God with everything. To jump off the cliff without knowing what was down below. To trust God that He would catch you and let him do what he wants, in your heart, and in your life. I will tell you one thing, I saw every student and staff live that out this summer, I saw everyone jump regardless of fear, regardless of there past, they jumped with open arms willing to be changed and transformed by God.

The first month we spent training and learning on base, we would all gather in the mornings and engage in worship together followed by lecture. We would learn different topics such as Father heart of God, Hearing the voice of God and others. The afternoons were for training in your program the dancers would have technique class and rehearsals. It was in this month were I was stretched and found the love I have for discipleship. I was given the opportunity to choreograph a dance to bring on outreach, I was very nervous and felt completely unequipped. However God knew that through this opportunity I would learn how to rely on him and to open up and healing would come. I allowed myself to go deep with God and get creative. My choreography was based on a lot of the pain of my past that I had gone through, feeling so broken but yet God makes us into something beautiful. I set the piece on 4 beautiful dancers, not knowing much about them in the beginning I just picked them out of random, little did I know that this dance was not only powerful for my heart but they brought there own story into it, there own pain and there own freedom into the dance and I saw the chains break off of them as they danced.

God loves to stretch us and teach us things even if we have already learned them, He just wants to take us deeper in that. My fear of staffing came form insecurities that I had, fears of not knowing how to lead. That I would be at a loss of words or not have answers to questions burning inside there hearts. I had the privilege of being two beautiful girls one on one. We would meet once a week or whenever they needed to talk and we would walk through things or ask questions or just pray. My two one on ones names were Shelley and Bethany. When I first met with them I have to admit I was stricken with fear and doubt, I didn't know what I would say to them. I  didn't even think they really wanted to talk to me. I was struggling with coming up with words to say and questions to ask! then one day God spoke:

 "Monica my daughter why are you so afraid don't you know that you are not alone when you speak to them. Trust me that I have the words to say, just listen" 

You know its funny how things change when you just listen and trust in God. It wasn't me speaking. It was a privilege to walk with them through this summer experience. My heart was filled with joy as I saw them begin to understand who they really are in Christ. When they would come to me and weep because of some revelation that God had shown them. All I could do was fall on my knees and thank God that he used me, this stubborn broken girl to mentor and disciple two unbelievably smart beautiful Daughters of Christ.

As much as I learned and grew during the lecture phase I think I grew a lot during outreach. We were in Cambodia for a month and we were all split up during outreach. The dancers were sent out 2 hours outside of Phnom Penh in a little village called Kampot. We stayed in a youth development center and taught English for most of our time. Now when I say we taught English for most of our time I mean we traded in our dancing shoes for white board markers and English books. We barley danced, it was only for an hour a day, we taught English and none of us had experience in that, many of the students didn't speak English, it was hot and there were many bugs. But yet it was such a good experience. And I saw God move every day. I saw God int the coconut workers when all four of them gave there lives to Christ, I saw God in the elderly lady at church who was healed of back pain and leg problems, I saw God in the little children in the preschool who didn't get love at home and we got to show them true love, I saw God in the Cambodian students praying to God for the first time. And  I saw it in the young boy who took our dance classes even though they were only an hour a day changed the way he viewed God, and came to realize that He could worship God and was not afraid to go home and share his faith with his family. But most of all I saw Christ in the team that I led, I saw a group of 8 girls go into a village not knowing what they were getting themselves into, not expecting a lot of the challenges they were going to face. Every day I would see these girls lay down there rights and do what needed to be done. They put themselves aside and loved on the people of Cambodia, I saw them encourage the leaders of Cambodia. I was so blessed to be able to laugh, cry and serve along side these 8 beautiful dancers. But I could not of done it without my 2 other co leaders, they challenged me, encouraged me and kept me going even when I felt I wanted to give up. I got to witness, a group of 8 dancers and 3 leaders begin to change the atmosphere of Cambodia .

So I guess through all my rambling, my point is that even in our fears, even in our worry and doubt, God can still use us, even in our brokenness. When we don't have the words to say He speaks, when we feel alone He listens. He loves to stretch us and take us deeper. And really the only thing we have to do is trust, and know that when we jump, He will catch you! 

Dream a little dream with me

When I was in middle school I had these three best friends, we did everything together and told each other everything! we had a dream that after we all graduated from high school we were all going to go on a road trip together across the states. We were going to dance and just travel with not a care in the world. Well sadly we all grew up and grew apart but I still had that dream in my heart. Now flash forward to just a month ago I was driving in a car with three other amaizing Godly friends that God has placed in my life, and we are blasting christian music, worshipping God, on a road trip across the states to go to a dance conference! God spoke so strongly to me "Monica you see I never forget theses dreams in your heart, even the ones that are thrown in the back and have been forgotten"

These past few months God has been teaching me to dream again and to dream with him, because our dreams are important to him. In the beginning of March as many of you know, I came back to YWAM Montana to be apart of a dance touring company. The  first month we spent on the base rehearsing and just seeking God's heart for the dance tour. (I posted our promo video on my page if you haven't gotten a chance to check it out you should) The first month on base is when God started pulling on my heart reminding me of the dreams that I had but pushed away. I remember sitting in the studio asking God what He wanted to show me through the time of the dance tour and He said this, "Monica this is a time when I want to show you things about yourself that you didn't know, I want to stretch you and teach you to walk in confidence of who I created you to be, most of all I want you to dream with me again, to let your heart and imagination go free and wild, That's what I created you to do, I will bring back the dreams you have forgotten about." And that's what He did. Every place we went on tour I would have a conversion with someone about there dreams and what it was to dream with God.

The whole time during tour I felt like I was standing on an edge of a cliff, looking down and seeing nothing, it seems as though it goes on forever. I felt like God wanted me to jump, to trust in Him that he would catch me, to trust him with my everything dreams and all included. Behind me was all of my past, the journey I have been walking though the past few years I don't want to go backward but it seems so scary to jump. See it would be comfortable to just stay right there not to jump and just wait But He was calling be to a new place asking me if I would trust Him to catch me, The thing is that he would still love me if I didn't jump, He would just sit down right next to me and wait patiently. Its such a beautiful thing to jump, to say yes to Him, to trust Him. needless to say I jumped and he caught me and he took my dreams and held them for me.

God did so many amazing things on tour I saw girls come to realize that they are loved by God and that they are not there past. I saw homeless men feel loved for the first time, I saw youth realize that they can use there gifts and talents for God, I saw people literally run to the foot of the cross and I saw that dance can really change the atmosphere. Dance is healing, its redemptive and its the forefront of the battle. Most of all I saw my dreams be restored and come into place. So don't be afraid to dream again with God even if these dreams are thrown in the back and have dust on them, ask Him what it looks like to dream with him, because it is a beautiful thing.

What am I doing next?

Funny you should ask! About 2 years ago I first cam to YWAM Montana for the summer programs and fell in love with it. God did some amazing things in my life and I was able to use dance in missions! after I had always dreamed about staffing it, low and behold I am going to be staffing the summer of Dance this year!! I am so excited to come along side young people who have never experienced missions before and champion them in the Lord. There are about 9 students in the dance program and about 36 students in the entire program, there is also Summer of Music, Summer of Sports, and Summer of Architect. It is going to be an amazing summer. Please pray that God would encounter these students and they would all have a life changing experience with the Lord. I will be posting little updates on my page as time goes on. Thank you!!

The pause button

Right now I am sitting in this little cafe, sipping on my chi tea and listening to some good music (Will Reagan & United Pursuit!) and occasionally eavesdropping on the conversations next to me. But while all this in going on I am waiting for my food to be brought to me. I am kinda getting impatient not gonna lie, I am pretty hungry and I want my food I don't want to wait. Monica why are you writing about waiting for food what is your point?...stay with me I am going somewhere with this. you see I feel like these past 5 moths of my life have been nothing but waiting! waiting for someone to call me back, waiting for money to come in, waiting for God to tell me what the next step in my life is! Its like someone just hit the pause button and forgot to hit play!

After coming home from my trip to Nepal I was so excited, it was like this fire, this passion was lit in me and I was on this high, this excitement, I wanted to make a big change, to make a huge difference and put a stop to Human trafficking. So I started to raise awareness , I went to some churches and just shared my heart, Now believe me I am no professional about Human Trafficking, I only know a few facts and some horrific stories that I heard over in Nepal. but that's just it I only wanted to share my heart I wanted people to understand and grasp the really heartbreaking and eye opening  reality of it. Anyway i'm off topic again bare with me. So I got home and I really wanted to make a difference, I just got back from the YWAM Colorado school of Basic Christian Counselling and I thought that's what I needed to do. I started to apply to ministries with counselling opportunities or for internships, I started going to churches telling everyone that I was going right back on the mission field Why? because that is honestly what I thought that is what I was supposed to do. And I still do believe that is what God wants me to do, I am going to be used in a way to help council people who have been hurt and broken, I want to see them walk into the freedom that God has for them. But it might not be God's time. I have had a passion for 2 things people and dance. I know that God is going to combine both of those and make something great for me. 

I will admit that being home has not been the easiest time in my life or even the most exciting but it has been pretty challenging. I have felt stuck like if I wasn't on the mission field or helping poor people in a third world country I was not in God's will. The last past year of my life was filled with adventure and freedom, I experienced God like I never had before. Being home a lot of the things that I was freed from, the pain or the temptations where all there back home waiting for me. So being home and having all the things and even people that I wanted to run from I was stuck with back home. I thought maybe I should just push this along and start making opportunities for myself ......... yea smart thinking. Well this is what mine and God conversations went like. 

So I applied for some internships and I heard God say 

Monica do you trust me? 

Yea God I trust you.

Well that Door closed 

I applied for another YWAM school, Again God asked

Monica do you trust me?

Yes God I do trust you.

Well another door closed 

Ok well I am not supposed to be home so I will apply for staff for YWAM 

Monica do you trust me? 

God I already told you yes I do! 

and another door closed 

Ok well I guess I will just go on another mission trip somewhere I have never been before. 

Monica do you trust me? 

Yes God why do you keep asking me this you know that I trust you 

Than why are you trying to make plans happen when they are not my plans for you? 

oh wow mind blown! I get it I need to trust in God that he does have plans for me. in his timing, they might not be what I had in my mind but God's plans are always better than ours. Now I decided to really trust in God and surrender everything to him. I still don't know exactly why I am staying home but I do know that I have been learning so much and really learning to truly trust in God. It has been a time of processing this last past year of my life and resting in God. I have experienced so much more healing and I have gained an understanding of his just hanging out with Jesus. Do you know how cool it is to just sit with Jesus, he wants to just hang out with me, it doesn't matter if I am on the mission field or in a third world country, he just wants to hang out. 

But the really most important thing I have learned being home is that he does have amazing plans for me, maybe not in my timing but his and I cant wait to see what they are. I do have some opportunities coming up in the near future and I am excited because I did not force them or try to make them happen I  just waited.

I heard this really cool quote. 

              Until God opens a  door I will praise him in the hallway 

I am choosing to trust in him and wait. Oh and my food finally did come and it was well worth the wait :)